“You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your veggies.” “If you don’t stop throwing your food, dinner is over.” “If you don’t stop whining, I’m going to be mad.” “You can watch TV if you clean up first.” “If you don’t brush your teeth, then no more dessert.” “If you don’t stop yelling, we’re leaving.” “I’d be happy to help you clean up / get dressed if you would just say thank you once in awhile, but you never do, so I’m not going to help anymore.” Each of these is an example of a parent using manipulation or coercion to get their child to do something they want. Does it work? In the short term, probably, if you measure success by your child doing what you want. Is it easier? In the moment, again, probably. Will it give you the healthy relationship and connection with your kids that you want and teach your children to have empathy and to value your needs? Definitely not . So what’s the alternative where your house won’t descend into anarchy? (If you haven’t seen...

I hear from parents all the time who are frustrated because their young children are getting into everything and don't listen to "no". The parents are frustrated and often have resorted to some kind of punishment or consequences because their old methods aren't working anymore. Is this you? Then read on. First, let’s define some terms to make sure we’re on common ground: I talk a lot about limits and boundaries and to me, the two are different. Limits are the things we don’t let our kids do because they’re inappropriate, unkind, or unsafe, or unhealthy for them or others. Boundaries are things we don’t let our kids do because it’s not okay with us, personally. Boundaries also define what we have a right to control and what we don’t. So an example of a limit is, “I won’t let you run into the street. When we cross, we will go together, holding hands.” An example of a boundary is, “I don’t want you to climb here. I’m afraid this could get broken.” You would ...

Your baby takes SO long to fall asleep every night and isn’t napping. You’re so tired, but you don’t want her to cry! It seems like your toddler ALWAYS wants to be held! You can’t even get a minute to use the bathroom. Your two-year-old has never been a “good sleeper” and you have to sit with (or rock or nurse or carry) him until he’s asleep every night. Your three-year-old HAS to have the blue cup and is refusing to drink from the yellow one. Your preschooler really needs to spend some time with you, but you haven’t eaten your lunch yet. Your teenager asks to borrow your car, but you were planning to go grocery shopping tonight. What do all these scenarios have in common? What would you do? Would you always set aside your needs for your children? A foundational belief of many holistic parenting models, including RIE and P.E.T. , is that parents’ needs are just as important as their children’s needs. As parents, we are responsible for the health and w...

If you haven’t read  Part I  and  Part II  of this series, please take a minute to go back and check them out!  Here, I have outlined some very effective (and pretty simple) tools for supporting healthy sleep in infants, which when used early on generally support the kind of sleep learning in which a child is free to express emotions but is not made to follow a “plan” or “system” that may not meet their needs.  This respectful sleep learning can generally be used from birth on without affecting establishment of milk supply and absolutely without causing any psychological harm.  This is the information I searched for, but couldn’t find, when my son was an infant--a consolidated summary of healthy sleep. Wants vs.  Needs:  Babies NEED to sleep.  Some babies WANT to fall asleep sucking on a bottle or breast.  If we use that crutch when it’s easy and let it become a habit, they will soon be conditioned to NEED the bottle or bre...

Before you read about my experience with the polarizing language commonly used in regard to sleep training and my conditioned fear of infant crying, please take a minute to read Part I of this series,  The Real Danger of“CIO” . Based on all the “evidence” against “Cry-It-Out” (“CIO”), I firmly believed that sleep training and crying are harmful to children.  I read articles by parenting experts, sleep experts, and doctors telling me that certain cries were not to be feared – and believed I understood them – but I thought my child was different and just always needed me to help him.  I also believed that “sleep training” meant I had to ignore his cries, so I avoided anything that resembled it, which meant nursing him to sleep every time he was tired or woke at night.  For the first 15 months of his life, neither of us got a full night’s sleep or ever felt fully or deeply rested. When my son was a few weeks old, I kept nursing him to sleep, but began laying ...

On all the different peaceful/gentle/respectful parenting pages I follow on Facebook, the most common question I see is almost always a variation of this: “HELP!  My baby won’t sleep (anymore).  We’re not functioning well as a family because we’re all sleep deprived.  I need help, but I don’t want to do CIO.  Any advice?” The most common response to this type of post is, “Hang in there, mama!  They’re only little for a short time!” Does this question sound familiar? What about the response? “CIO” refers to “Cry-It-Out” which is the term typically used to describe the controlled crying and extinction methods of sleep training.  It is a popular term that does not have a consistent definition and carries a negative connotation.  It is often  incorrectly assumed to be synonymous with all sleep training . My issue with the advice given to these parents is that the “Hang in there” response suggests that the real issue is somehow the parent...

Have you ever tried to follow the experts’ recommendations to give your child choices, but it turned into a huge meltdown? Or tried to set a limit by giving two options, only to have your child insist on a third option? I recently had a conversation with a friend about her daughter, nearly three years old, who has been having some trouble with making decisions. They have been getting into power struggles, especially around using the potty. I asked my friend if she was giving choices and sufficient notice in regard to pottying, and discovered that the issue was quite a bit bigger than either of us thought! This struggle for autonomy and power has been causing some difficulties in their family, because the child is looking for both at very inopportune times, and in difficult ways. Here’s what my friend said to me about the way her daughter has responded to choices in the past: "She fights choices, and I get exhausted. If I give her two choices, she will pick a third. When I...