“You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your veggies.” “If you don’t stop throwing your food, dinner is over.” “If you don’t stop whining, I’m going to be mad.” “You can watch TV if you clean up first.” “If you don’t brush your teeth, then no more dessert.” “If you don’t stop yelling, we’re leaving.” “I’d be happy to help you clean up / get dressed if you would just say thank you once in awhile, but you never do, so I’m not going to help anymore.” Each of these is an example of a parent using manipulation or coercion to get their child to do something they want. Does it work? In the short term, probably, if you measure success by your child doing what you want. Is it easier? In the moment, again, probably. Will it give you the healthy relationship and connection with your kids that you want and teach your children to have empathy and to value your needs? Definitely not . So what’s the alternative where your house won’t descend into anarchy? (If you haven’t seen...

I hear from parents all the time who are frustrated because their young children are getting into everything and don't listen to "no". The parents are frustrated and often have resorted to some kind of punishment or consequences because their old methods aren't working anymore. Is this you? Then read on. First, let’s define some terms to make sure we’re on common ground: I talk a lot about limits and boundaries and to me, the two are different. Limits are the things we don’t let our kids do because they’re inappropriate, unkind, or unsafe, or unhealthy for them or others. Boundaries are things we don’t let our kids do because it’s not okay with us, personally. Boundaries also define what we have a right to control and what we don’t. So an example of a limit is, “I won’t let you run into the street. When we cross, we will go together, holding hands.” An example of a boundary is, “I don’t want you to climb here. I’m afraid this could get broken.” You would ...

Your baby takes SO long to fall asleep every night and isn’t napping. You’re so tired, but you don’t want her to cry! It seems like your toddler ALWAYS wants to be held! You can’t even get a minute to use the bathroom. Your two-year-old has never been a “good sleeper” and you have to sit with (or rock or nurse or carry) him until he’s asleep every night. Your three-year-old HAS to have the blue cup and is refusing to drink from the yellow one. Your preschooler really needs to spend some time with you, but you haven’t eaten your lunch yet. Your teenager asks to borrow your car, but you were planning to go grocery shopping tonight. What do all these scenarios have in common? What would you do? Would you always set aside your needs for your children? A foundational belief of many holistic parenting models, including RIE and P.E.T. , is that parents’ needs are just as important as their children’s needs. As parents, we are responsible for the health and w...

Have you ever tried to follow the experts’ recommendations to give your child choices, but it turned into a huge meltdown? Or tried to set a limit by giving two options, only to have your child insist on a third option? I recently had a conversation with a friend about her daughter, nearly three years old, who has been having some trouble with making decisions. They have been getting into power struggles, especially around using the potty. I asked my friend if she was giving choices and sufficient notice in regard to pottying, and discovered that the issue was quite a bit bigger than either of us thought! This struggle for autonomy and power has been causing some difficulties in their family, because the child is looking for both at very inopportune times, and in difficult ways. Here’s what my friend said to me about the way her daughter has responded to choices in the past: "She fights choices, and I get exhausted. If I give her two choices, she will pick a third. When I...

In every toddler group, there is a broad range of personalities that emerge. Often, one child is “the quiet one”, another is “the daredevil”, and invariably one is “the bully”. There are  many problems that come from using these labels , but setting those aside, let’s talk about aggression in toddlers – specifically, what to do in the moment, depending on whether your child is the aggressor, or the recipient of aggression. I have many memories of bullying and aggressive behavior in my childhood, though I don’t remember much from my toddler years. In my younger years, I was most often the victim of bullying, while in high school (and even college to some extent), while I still felt like a victim fairly often, I also relished the power that came with being the aggressor. Through all my experiences in elementary and middle school, one common thread was that I constantly felt that the adults who were supposed to protect me were not there for me. I had a revelation recently a...

I have been thinking a lot about limits over the past few days. After a week of being a single parent while my husband was on vacation with friends, things were running pretty smoothly. I went the entire week without losing it once or even really ever getting frustrated. That was a real accomplishment for me! At first, I attributed it to having no one to fall back on and having to just make it work. Over the last couple of days though, I’ve realized that it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’m finally really feeling confident in setting limits. J is 20 months old and not particularly verbal, but very communicative. He is also extremely physical, inquisitive, and persistent. Those are all wonderful qualities in a person, but in a toddler, they can be exhausting! It means my little guy is constantly climbing something, messing with the dogs, pulling everything out of a cupboard or box or off a shelf, and doing it over and over and over again. This post was inspired ...