“You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your veggies.” “If you don’t stop throwing your food, dinner is over.” “If you don’t stop whining, I’m going to be mad.” “You can watch TV if you clean up first.” “If you don’t brush your teeth, then no more dessert.” “If you don’t stop yelling, we’re leaving.” “I’d be happy to help you clean up / get dressed if you would just say thank you once in awhile, but you never do, so I’m not going to help anymore.” Each of these is an example of a parent using manipulation or coercion to get their child to do something they want. Does it work? In the short term, probably, if you measure success by your child doing what you want. Is it easier? In the moment, again, probably. Will it give you the healthy relationship and connection with your kids that you want and teach your children to have empathy and to value your needs? Definitely not . So what’s the alternative where your house won’t descend into anarchy? (If you haven’t seen...

I hear from parents all the time who are frustrated because their young children are getting into everything and don't listen to "no". The parents are frustrated and often have resorted to some kind of punishment or consequences because their old methods aren't working anymore. Is this you? Then read on. First, let’s define some terms to make sure we’re on common ground: I talk a lot about limits and boundaries and to me, the two are different. Limits are the things we don’t let our kids do because they’re inappropriate, unkind, or unsafe, or unhealthy for them or others. Boundaries are things we don’t let our kids do because it’s not okay with us, personally. Boundaries also define what we have a right to control and what we don’t. So an example of a limit is, “I won’t let you run into the street. When we cross, we will go together, holding hands.” An example of a boundary is, “I don’t want you to climb here. I’m afraid this could get broken.” You would ...

I have been thinking a lot about limits over the past few days. After a week of being a single parent while my husband was on vacation with friends, things were running pretty smoothly. I went the entire week without losing it once or even really ever getting frustrated. That was a real accomplishment for me! At first, I attributed it to having no one to fall back on and having to just make it work. Over the last couple of days though, I’ve realized that it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’m finally really feeling confident in setting limits. J is 20 months old and not particularly verbal, but very communicative. He is also extremely physical, inquisitive, and persistent. Those are all wonderful qualities in a person, but in a toddler, they can be exhausting! It means my little guy is constantly climbing something, messing with the dogs, pulling everything out of a cupboard or box or off a shelf, and doing it over and over and over again. This post was inspired ...