Setting Respectful Limits for Toddlers With Confidence and Love
I have been
thinking a lot about limits over the past few days. After a week of being a
single parent while my husband was on vacation with friends, things were running
pretty smoothly. I went the entire week without losing it once or even really
ever getting frustrated. That was a real accomplishment for me! At first, I
attributed it to having no one to fall back on and having to just make it work.
Over the last couple of days though, I’ve realized that it probably has a lot to
do with the fact that I’m finally really feeling confident in setting limits. J
is 20 months old and not particularly verbal, but very communicative. He is
also extremely physical, inquisitive, and persistent. Those are all wonderful
qualities in a person, but in a toddler, they can be exhausting! It means my
little guy is constantly climbing something, messing with the dogs, pulling
everything out of a cupboard or box or off a shelf, and doing it over and over
and over again.
This post
was inspired by a friend who wondered aloud why so many people hate
children and by all the times I’ve heard a parent say to their toddler, “We don’t hit!” “We don’t throw toys.” “We don’t pull the dog’s tail.” “Ouch! We don’t hurt people! Gentle!” Does this sound like you? Read on!
It was also
inspired by my husband, who I will pick on for a moment for the sake of
example. The other day, my sweet husband was taking J for
a diaper change upstairs. He gathered the necessary supplies and told J, “Let’s
go upstairs and change your diaper! Come on!” then went on his way up the
stairs. I watched J go off to do something else. He called again, “J! Come on
upstairs so we can change your diaper!” Still no movement from J in the
direction of the stairs. I bit my tongue and watched. He called again, still
being sweet, but I could tell he was getting a little frustrated – Why
isn’t he listening? He knows he needs his diaper changed and I’m being so positive
about it, but he’s just not listening! I called up the stairs and
asked if I could share something I learned. “He’s not coming!” I said,
laughing. The
whole exchange took almost five minutes. It’s no wonder people don’t like
toddlers – chasing them around, repeating yourself constantly, and talking to
yourself all day – it’s exhausting work!
If you say it once and enforce it the first time, it’s not nearly so hard!
Here’s what he could have done instead:
1. Give a
warning. Say, “Hey kiddo, your diaper is wet and you need a clean, dry
diaper on your bottom. I am going to get a drink of water and then we will go change your diaper.” Toddlers don't reference time in minutes, so giving them a reference point for the timeline is really helpful.
2. Give a
(simple) choice. Having gotten a drink as promised, I would
make sure he is paying attention to me and say, “Alright, I got my drink. It’s time to go upstairs now. Would you like to walk or be carried?
You decide.” The choice part is important, because it supports his feeling
of autonomy, which makes him feel good, which in turn makes him more likely to
cooperate with me in the future.
3. Acknowledge
and follow through. I usually give about ten seconds for him to make a
choice (you will have to see what interval is appropriate for your child).
Another mom once told me she counts to ten in her head more to shut
herself up than because the interval is particularly important. It really works
to keep me from harping on it if I can’t say anything else for a full ten
seconds. If he chooses, great! Move to Step 5. However, it’s likely that he
will not make a choice, or will try to go in the opposite direction, because, toddlers. In that
case, I would say, “I see you don’t want to go upstairs now. It’s time to
change your diaper, so I will carry you.
4. Empathize,
but keep moving. If he accepts the limit, move to Step 5. If he
becomes upset, I acknowledge his feelings, but I keep moving toward the goal.
In this case, hold him so he can’t throw himself too far or hurt me. I like the
example Dr. Jane Nelsen gives in Positive
Discipline: The First Three Years (affiliate link) when she says,
“Imagine a tree, its roots anchoring it deep into the ground… When the wind
blows, the tree’s branches sway in gentle arcs but its grip on that small nest
remains firm.” This is the image I conjure in my head while I am holding space
for J’s upset–firm, but flexible–I allow for his emotions, but I don't need to change or fix anything. My confidence and firmness give him security and certainty when his emotions overwhelm him.
5. Let it
go. Finally, I would move on. His feelings do not reflect on me,
because they are his. He has his feelings, I set limits, no grudges
are held, and we move on. It’s easier not to feel resentful when the whole
interaction took less than one minute and very little energy on my part. No
punishments were doled out, I didn’t nag, he got to express himself and maybe
even work off some pent up negative feelings, and his diaper got changed. The
next time I set this limit will be new and I will not carry any negative
feelings from this moment to the next.
This formula
works in a lot of different situations. Magda Gerber talked about discipline and
different situations where limits are necessary: “Those things a child is
expected to do (non-negotiable areas), what she is allowed to do (negotiable
areas), what is tolerated ('I don’t really like that, but I can understand why
you need to do it.'), and what is forbidden.” I will give examples of how each
one works in our house.
Non-Negotiable:
Washing hands after using the potty.
“It’s time
to wash hands now… I know you want to go get your diaper back on so you can
play. We will get your diaper after you wash your hands. Would you like to walk
to the sink by yourself, or do you need help?”
Negotiable (or Variable):
Climbing on Mama (Sometimes I let him, sometimes I don’t).
“I don’t
want you to climb on me right now… I see you really want to climb, but I don’t
want to be climbed on. Please find something else to do." (or "If you want to
climb, you may climb your slide.")
Tolerated:
Banging his fork on his tray or making other annoying sounds.
Say nothing.
This is the best response, because the more opportunities you can find to allow
tolerated actions, the easier you will find it to set limits when necessary. If
you must say something, make it as unexciting as possible, so as not to
encourage repeat performances for the sole purpose of eliciting the same
response. (For toddlers and older children, an I-message is
preferable to ignoring if you're feeling annoyed.)
Forbidden:
Pulling the dog’s tail or legs, climbing on the dog, or poking the dog’s face;
climbing the furniture; hitting/biting/scratching.
Try to stop
these from occurring if at all possible. If you can prevent it, “I won’t let
you” is appropriate. If you catch it too late, “You may not” or "I don't want you to" is more authentic.
“[blocking
his hand] I won’t let you pull the dog’s tail. She doesn’t like it. [Helping him move
away] We will let her have some space now and she will come back when you are
being gentle. [Offer the dog a chance to go to another room behind a gate]
Thank you for giving her space.”
“You may not
climb on the speaker. You may come down yourself or I will help you get down… I
am going to lift you down now… Please find something else to do. Thank you for
cooperating.”
“[blocking
his hand] I won’t let you hit me. Hitting hurts. You may rest your hand on my
chest. If you hit me, we will be done nursing.” This is a big one. I really will stop nursing if he hits me again. No more warnings, no second chances, no
excuses or thinking “Well, it’s been awhile since I warned him” or “He
was just excited”. One more hit, and nursing is done for now. I have been
doing this for many months, so at this point, if he hits me on purpose, nursing
is done immediately, without any warnings. He knows this, so it doesn’t come as
a surprise. Setting him down isn't a punishment for hitting, it's simply me setting a personal boundary that I will not allow myself to be hit.
With each of
these situations, it is important to have an awareness of normal toddler
behavior. Toddlers have little or no impulse control, so you will have
to set the same limit over and over again. The point I want to make here is
that each time you do set a limit, you say what you mean (in as few words as
possible), mean what you say, and do what you say you’ll do (firmly, gently,
and with love). If you are confident in yourself, your toddler will be
confident in you and will be more likely to trust you and cooperate with future
limits. This type of limit setting feels like it will take more time, but for a
relatively small investment of mindfulness up front, you will actually save a
lot of energy in the long run. So when especially when I’m feeling tired and
run down, I try to make the effort to set limits effectively the first time so
I don’t have to do it 30 times. Who ever thought being firm and decisive would
be the easy way out?
How do you
set respectful limits?
I highly recommend
starting here for some additional reading on setting respectful limits with
toddlers:
How
to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele
Faber and Eileen Mazlish (affiliate link)
Disclosure: This post contains “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and make a purchase, I will receive an affiliate commission from Amazon. I only recommend products believe in personally and I have not been solicited to make any recommendation.
*I
originally published this post on RespectfulParent.com on 27 August 2013
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