Building Connection Through Conflict: How to Parent Effectively Without Manipulation

“You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat your veggies.”

“If you don’t stop throwing your food, dinner is over.”

“If you don’t stop whining, I’m going to be mad.”

“You can watch TV if you clean up first.”

“If you don’t brush your teeth, then no more dessert.”

“If you don’t stop yelling, we’re leaving.”

“I’d be happy to help you clean up / get dressed if you would just say thank you once in awhile, but you never do, so I’m not going to help anymore.”

Each of these is an example of a parent using manipulation or coercion to get their child to do something they want. Does it work? In the short term, probably, if you measure success by your child doing what you want. Is it easier? In the moment, again, probably. Will it give you the healthy relationship and connection with your kids that you want and teach your children to have empathy and to value your needs? Definitely not. So what’s the alternative where your house won’t descend into anarchy? (If you haven’t seen it yet, you may want to go back and read my explanation of authoritative parenting.)

When you (threaten to) withhold something of value to your children—playing at the park or with friends, eating dessert, having or playing with certain toys or amenities in your home, your affection or acceptance, or even time spent together—to get them to do something when, where, and how you want them to do it, that is manipulation. When people talk about taking away privileges so children will learn to behave, that is manipulation. The problem with these subtle kinds of manipulation is the way they erode connection and trust within your relationship with your kids. When your kids do things that drive you crazy, they’re usually trying to meet a need a need they have, albeit ineffectively. That’s an important concept, because once we understand it, we can learn to be more authentic with our kids, which builds connection and trust. And if you want to be able to have any influence over your child’s choices as a teenager, connection and trust are crucial early on.

“Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

So what’s the difference between coercion and setting a healthy boundary?

You, as a person, have the right to set limits around what you do, when, and how (not controlling your children, just being responsible for your own needs and space).  You get to say “no” anytime doing something would cause you to feel resentful, frustrated, or angry. (Read my post about how to prioritize your and your child’s needs here.) Where personal boundaries become coercive though, is when parents make their actions dependent on the actions of their child, like in the examples above. When the purpose of a personal boundary is to make or get your child to do something they wouldn’t otherwise do, that’s manipulation. To know whether you’re doing this, though, requires taking deep look at and an honest assessment of your own motivations.

Part of identifying manipulation is learning to tell the difference between the things our children do that have a tangible effect on us, and those that don’t. When we try to control things that aren’t ours to control, that’s often when we find ourselves using manipulation and coercion to get what we want. And when you let yourself get frustrated with your kids to the point of manipulating them to do what you want, you find yourself in power struggles you can’t win. So the next time you notice yourself trying to get your child to do something you think is important and they’re resisting, instead of trying to control the outcome, try something a little different:

Pause.

Notice yourself trying to take control. Can you stop before you speak?

Check your boundaries.

Are you trying to keep your child, yourself, or your home safe from immediate harm? Great! Go ahead. But if not…

First, don’t let your child’s expression of their needs get you upset. Their needs and feelings are about them and your healthy boundaries keep you from making it about you. Are you trying to control what / how much goes into your child’s mouth? Are you trying to control what, when, or how anything comes out of their body? Are you trying to control their opinions, self-expression, values, or get them to do what you want just because you say it’s important, or because it’s convenient? Ask yourself if what you want them to do is critical to their health and safety or yours, or if it’s a matter of personal preference. If you are, and they disagree with you for any reason, you’re probably about to resort to manipulation. Is there any other way to get it done? If there is, let go of your attachment to it getting done just so, right now. Let go of trying to control them and start working with them. Be flexible and be willing to collaborate!

Identify your needs.

When you’re frustrated and upset, believe it or not, your child is not causing you to feel that way. There’s always a thought behind it that you can look for and identify. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid you’ll be late? Afraid other parents will judge you? Afraid your child won’t learn _____ (healthy eating, self control, boundaries, a good work ethic)? Admit to yourself that those are your fears. Your fears tend to be broad generalizations and probably aren’t absolutely true, but it’s okay to acknowledge that you feel this way.

Sometimes we get irritated just because our kids haven’t learned yet what it takes to be considerate in a relationship with other people. But punishing them for being inconsiderate doesn’t give them any insight into those skills they need to develop in order to NOT make people around them crazy! So the important next step, after you’ve identified and taken responsibility for your needs, is…

Express yourself authentically to your child and give information.

I think as parents, we tend to assume our child is motivated just by our tone of voice when we’re upset or worried, or we forget that they don’t have all the same information we do. You might have assumed that because you told your child to hurry up, they understood what that meant, or were able to comply in the way you intended. But what if they’re not able to go faster? Or what if they don’t care about getting to the place you’re trying to go? Or what if they care so much about it that the threat of not going causes them to completely lose it at that very moment? A valuable enough threat might work to get you to there on time, but it will cause resentment and break down trust between you and your child as well.

When you tell your child your needs and your concerns, you make them your partner in problem solving, which is an absolutely necessary life skill. You also give them information they can use to make better decisions in the future. One great way to share this information with your child is through an “I Message.” An effective I-message communicates, very specifically and neutrally, what the child is doing or not doing, how it’s affecting you, and how you feel about that effect. For example, “You don’t have your shoes on and we need to leave. I’m really worried that if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late and the doctor will cancel our appointment and charge me 25 dollars!” Your child might be surprised to learn this information they didn’t know before! Sometimes I even preface it by saying, “I have some information you might not know.”

Invite cooperation graciously.

Once you’ve listened and expressed your concerns and needs to your child (and often listened again), you can invite their cooperation in meeting your needs without ordering or commanding them. Often with young children, the best way to do that is by offering your help to them. So you might say something like, “How can I help you finish up so we can leave?” or maybe, “What do you need so we can go to the car now?”, or “Would you like some help with that?” When you invite this communication from them, you might even learn something about them that you didn’t expect! You might find out that they’re having trouble tying their shoes today. Or maybe they can’t find something you told them to get. Or maybe they’re just having trouble focusing and staying on task at that moment. Either way, your presence and attention, willingly given, will certainly help you get on the road faster, and with less chaos.

Since I know you want examples…

“When I look around this room and I see legos and other toys all over the floor, I worry that I will step on something and really hurt my foot when I try to walk through!” This one is fun, because you’ll find out quickly if you expressed your need accurately based on how your kids respond. I said this once and my helpful two-year-old quickly pushed all the toys off to the side of the room so I wouldn’t hurt my feet. I thanked him and then got back to thinking about my needs again, because that wasn’t the outcome I’d intended. My next I-message was more clear: “I really appreciate you making a path out of this room so I wouldn’t hurt my feet. Now I’m worried though, that when you go to bed, I’ll still have to look at all these toys on the floor and it just doesn’t look as nice to me as when they’re all put away. How can I help you with this so we can get them all back where they belong before nap time? Should we pretend to be trucks?” (I-message plus playfully inviting cooperation.)

 “I have some information you may not know! While we’re waiting here, we’re expected to be very quiet. I know that can be hard! You want to talk to me right now, but you’re talking pretty loudly and I feel embarrassed because I can see it’s distracting to the other people in the room. How can you tell me more quietly?” (Or “How can you remember what you want to tell me so I can listen to you after we leave?”)

“I don’t want to get out a new game for you right now, because the play dough is still out and it will get all dried out if it’s not put away first. I don’t want to buy more play dough when it gets dried out and doesn’t work anymore. When the play dough is put away, then I will get out a new game for you.” This is a tricky one. It works because there’s an identifiable, observable, tangible effect on you of the play dough not being put away. However, if you’re using the next toy or game as a removable incentive to get your child to do something you want them to do right now, or to do something the way you want them to do it, this can easily become manipulative. Check your motivation and remember you’re communicating something that’s important to you, not an objective truth.

 “It’s 9pm and I noticed the trash isn’t at the street yet. I’m really worried it won’t be out in the morning when the truck comes by to pick it up. Can I still count on you to get it done?” It’s a little different with older kids. You can of course offer your help if you can do so graciously, but try to avoid ordering them to do it or giving them suggestions about how or when you think they should do it. Teenagers are pretty good problem solvers and also know what they need better than you do.

With young children, sometimes it’s not about what you say as much as what you do. For example, if your toddler regularly throws food at the table, you might take their plate sooner if you think they’re done eating, but if you think they’re still hungry, you might try serving smaller portions instead. The goal is to allow your child an opportunity to express their need (or at least for you to understand it) and have it met through acceptable communication rather than unacceptable behaviors.

Why I love this way of communicating with my kids.

The great thing about communicating information instead of judgement or commands, aside from being a great way to show respect for your children AND get your needs met, is it actually opens the door for you to learn more about your children and let them know more about you, which can only build connection and improve your relationship. And it actually has the beautiful benefit of encouraging your kids to open up to you more, which you will be thankful for as your kids grow up. Connection is the foundation of your ability to influence your children as teenagers and young adults when control doesn’t work, but you can’t wait until you’ve lost control to gain influence based on connection.

To learn more about I-messages, check out Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon (affiliate link).

Disclosure: This post contains “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and make a purchase, I will receive an affiliate commission from Amazon.  I only recommend products believe in personally and I have not been solicited to make any recommendation. Thanks for supporting me!