Respectful Elimination Communication and Potty Learning
Elimination Communication (EC) refers to the practice of
tuning in to your child’s communications about their elimination needs. It is
based on the premise (surprising, in our culture) that even newborn babies have
a natural desire for cleanliness and an inborn ability to recognize their own
need to eliminate. We used occasional EC with our son almost from birth and
have always done it respectfully.
Resources for using EC respectfully are limited, and I don’t
often see productive discussions about how respectful parenting and EC can fit
together or how EC can be done with the utmost respect for the child. My story
is a perfect example of how it worked in my family and with my child. It won’t
work for everyone and it will look different for some. The most important thing
is to keep listening to your child, to set your agenda aside, and to parent
with respect.
I was skeptical at first, but when I tried it with my
two-week-old baby, I was amazed! I had no idea that I would be able to tune in
to him with such awareness and to mindfully recognize his unique way of
communicating his needs to me. I began to realize that he would usually need to
eliminate about 20-30 minutes after nursing and would not go in his sleep. He
also had a particular wiggle he would do, or would make a specific face when he
needed to go. I was often able to say to him, “It looks like you need to
pee/poop. I will take you to the sink.” I would carry him back, take off his
diaper, and hold him over the sink in my arms and he would eliminate! I also
learned to slow down and wait for his responses when I let him know I would
take him to the bathroom. Occasionally, he made it clear, by stiffening his
body and looking away, that he did not want to go, but more often, he would
lift his head to be picked up. It was incredible! I have never felt so in tune
with someone in my life!
As he got older and became more active, there would be times
when he would not want me to take him, or when he did not communicate a need,
and I always listened. We always offered the potty at diaper changes, but never
forced the issue. I did not interrupt his play with the goal of keeping him
dry, and we avoided diaper-free time because we felt it would add too much
pressure to be dry. We did not try to “catch” every pee or poop, but taking him
to the sink/potty several times a day over the first 12-18 months of his life
helped him to maintain an awareness of his natural elimination functions,
rather than “diaper-training” him from birth, and held open this line of
communication that many people miss. The vast majority of parents never get the
opportunity to give this gift to their child of listening and assisting the child
in meeting their most basic of needs in such a tuned-in way. I feel so lucky to
have been able to share this communication opportunity with my child from early
on and was often moved by the fact that I was able to understand the
communication of my newborn child in this way then, and as he grew.
Now he is two and a half years old and he has been
independently letting me know when he has to poop for at least six months and
every poop for that period of time has been in the potty. He has just recently
started to tell me sometimes before he has to pee. He is so
thrilled and proud when he pees and poops in the potty, and it has always been
self-motivated and never pressured. I think many parents are in a hurry to
potty train for a variety of reasons, at least one of which I am sure is
because they simply hate changing diapers! I haven’t had to change a poopy
diaper in six months, but it has been all on his terms.
We are in no hurry to potty train and have not even
mentioned underpants to him, because he sees that we do not wear diapers and we
are confident that he will let us know when he is ready. We are aware that
daytime dryness (at least in this culture) is a developmental milestone most
children reach between age three and four and we know he will do it when he is
ready. He is already well on his way and he has done it all himself.
UPDATE: I’ve been having a conversation with some other
respectful parenting folks about EC and want to clarify a few
misunderstandings. EC is a bit like sleep learning. Elimination and sleep are
two things you can never make a child do. You can only help
them to be comfortable with the circumstances and the process, but the rest is
up to them. The key to EC, like sleep learning, is timing. After the child is
about six months old, they will have become diaper-trained. Any attempts at EC
after that point should be considered early potty learning and would not be
child-led. Therefore, my stance is that attempting EC with any child over six
months would not be respectful of the child. You would not tell the parent of a
child who has been nursed to sleep for six months to a year to “just put the
baby down drowsy.” It wouldn’t work well and wouldn’t be respectful. The same
can be said for EC.
It is up to you to ensure that your practice is respectful,
because you may find that some of the recommendations on EC sites are not
entirely so. Respectful EC is not about early potty training, or “getting
ahead.” It is about communicating with your child more deeply and mindfully and
with greater awareness. You can learn more about EC from these sites:
You can learn more about respectful potty learning here:
Here is a discussion about how RIE and EC can work well
together:
*I originally published this post on 18 May 2014 on
RespectfulParent.com
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